Log in

06 October 2016 @ 10:51 pm

It seems like I am innately lonely. Don't get me wrong, I love meeting friends, meeting new people and having people around. My lonely switch flips to 'on' without warning and I am the quietest person in a social situation. It's as if I held a party and I decide to back out last minute. Not voluntarily. Abducted, pretty much.

I hate it. It's as if I have to solely depend on others to aid this but I am never mentally present when it happens. Hence, I'd much rather stay home and brood over it. Solitude is comforting.

My loneliness doesn't hide in my closet. It shows on my face. It's not you, it's me. I don't need something to help with it. Rather, I be alone and it helps because it's back to status quo. Ahh, peace and quiet.

Somehow I convinced myself that I needed to be with others to feel less lonely. Yet, it doesn't help. (니가 있어도 baby I'm so lonelylonelylonelylonelaaaay)

This whole posts contradicts itself because I hate being lonely but I like to be alone.


I'm so damn lost. Is everyone supposed to figure themselves out at 21? Please tell me there's an app I can install to sort out my shit. 21 year olds are apparently supposed to be full of drive and following their ~dreams~ yet I'm here worrying that I don't even have hobbies.

30 September 2016 @ 11:01 pm

Cue periodic word vomit.This past week has been horrible. Actually, horrible would be an understatement. Cue everyone around me asking why??? 왜?? 为什么?? Well, it doesn't always have to be ONE thing. It's actually EVERYTHING.

You know when nothing goes right for the whole week and you're at a point where you cannot do anything (other than suck it up).

I am donewith being nice. Although this post will sound like I'm self-proclaiming VERN IS NICE!!! but no. It's just that I have heard "why are you so nice?" "so nice for what?"countless times. It seems like I have finally come to my senses and understood what my peers have been trying to tell me lol.

I believe in karma - what goes around comes around. I try my best to be nice to people I meet/people at work. I never wanna be the mean person simply because you treat others how you wish to be treated. I realized it doesn't always work that way. You can be nice but people/situations/the world will still fuck you over.

I am a gullible baby. I never rejected favours. I would even go out of my freaking way (and convince myself it's convenient) to help someone. Always did something at the convenience of the other party. Always gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. Pretty much letting everyone step all over my damn head and still smiling about it. It is so hard to say 'no'? (yup)

I never thought there was anything wrong about that until this week. GDI, it's just so freaking tiring trying to be nice all the damn time. Nobody will recognize your effort. You will most likely be taking for granted. Just because you're nice about it, nobody will know how much shit you went through to help them. If it doesn't work out, you have take all the blame for it. Wouldn't it have been better if we didn't help in the first place?

I'll stop being nice. Stop asking me for favours. Stop making me go out of my way to do something for you. I would not like to be blamed for something that could have been avoided. Thanks.